Ever felt “un-yoga-vated?” I have. And I’ve had it bad lately. In fact, I’ve been so unyogavated that I’ve had the title of this blog written on a blank piece of paper for three months. And I couldn’t even blog about it.
I think I’m finally coming up for air. Starting to see the sunshine relief that yoga gives me. I think at times in our lives, we don’t even want to do what is good for us. We know it’s good. We know we’ll feel better. But still, we choose otherwise. I think this can be akin to relationships. We make choices, whether it’s choosing the wrong person or taking a wrong path, which we hope will be end up right. And we try so hard to make it work. But it won’t. Square peg. Round hole.
For the past two months I haven’t wanted to go to yoga. I’m not certain if that’s reflective of what was happening in my life personally or because I became so busy with work but nonetheless, I felt dread thinking of being in warrior position and the burden that would bring to my muscles. I rejected exercise of any kind — and especially not yoga. I wonder if I didn’t want to make time for myself or if I didn’t want to face my spirit off balance by the imbalance I was keeping in my life. And for me, yoga is so introspective – it forces me to come face-to-face with the challenge of being present, in the moment and getting life’s priorities in check. I am not my past. I am not my future. I am in this moment alive and so blessed. When my life or my spirit is not balanced at the time I hit my mat, you will come face to face with that.
Often times, avoidance can be an easier path to take.
I think I initially lost my way when I started doing other work out routines – following The Should’s. Do you know these people? They are our friends, family and resident experts that say “you should do weights three days a week,” “you should do bootcamp,” “you should run stairs and do cardio interval training four times a week”…so I followed The Should’s and I got lost. And I and lost the joy in my yoga workout routine.
I went back to the way of the old – dreading a workout, burdened by it, feeling the weight on my shoulders of my complete and utter failure as a woman if I chose not to work out. These are the feelings of over 20 years that are rooted in being raised by parents who probably single-handedly spearheaded the entire Should’s movement. But for the first time, I quieted The Should’s when I started doing yoga regularly. I was shocked by actually wanting to workout and wanting to go to class…all for the first time in my life. Yoga brought me joy in my spirit and acceptance of my body that traditional workouts never had. Yet I turned away from it.
I think in life, my journey will continue with the ups and the downs, the should’s and the shouldn’ts, the motivated and the unyogavated. I just hope I keep fighting to make my way back to the mat. If I do, I know the journey will be a good one.
Thank you to Erin Morgan and the other instructors at Invoke who make it easier as they greet me with a warm “welcome back” and a big smile each time I come back.